I haven’t written a blog in a couple of years now but I once wrote two of them. One was all about my adventures in motherhood and the other was about our homeschooling life.
That was before, though. For a while I was really lost and I guess I still am, a little. This path is starting to feel more familiar some days and then other days I feel as if I am walking in the woods in the middle of the night with no flashlight, no moonlight, and I keep walking straight into trees. I have come to accept certain pieces of this life as it is but it doesn’t make the days easier.
There is a large piece of me that doesn’t know if I can continue to keep my kids home with me. I feel that I should be able to because this journey should end any day now but it doesn’t and I still can’t tolerate stress. And you know what kids are? Little packages of stress bombs with a shoddy timer. Will it explode first thing in the morning before eyes are even adjusted to the light? Or perhaps mid day, on the way out of the house? It almost always goes off in the grocery store or any other public place where I am forced to hold it together and not cry. It often goes off at bedtime, at the unfairness of needing to brush teeth. The timer needs work, is what I’m saying, but these little packages are also unreliable themselves and anyway, I am learning I can’t count on a damn thing I expect to actually happen the way I expect it to.
I really want to keep them home, as stressful as it is. I still hold strong feelings about their abilities to learn so much on their own if given the tools. The freedom to explore as long as they want, spend as much time outdoors or indoors as they want, the freedom to eat when they are hungry and to pee when they have to pee, I mean who doesn’t want that? But every day that goes by I feel like I am failing them. I feel like I am not giving them the opportunities they deserve. I feel like I am handing them tablets instead of experiences and each night I close my eyes wonder how much more can I screw up in this life?
But. BUT. I am trying to change that inner dialogue. Like yes, I had envisioned going and doing all sorts of really awesome and interesting things with them and then I was doing all sorts of really awesome and interesting things with them but you know what? They didn’t think they were awesome or interesting and didn’t give a shit that it cost a million dollars to do it can we please go home and play our Kindles now? Oh. Right. Child led learning means mostly parents learn to back off. Mostly. It also means to stop beating myself up with ideals.
The youngest of the stress bombs is very difficult to read and I never know what is best for him or how to plan a day around him. I can’t bring him anywhere during the middle of the day, or most of the day since the middle of the day in this case is from about 10:30 am to 3:30 pm. I can’t bring him because he has started napping again and will fall asleep anywhere from 10:45 to 1:00 and who the hell can plan around that?
I certainly can’t.
So anyway, I’m back, blogging, writing the things that are hard or funny or just sad. On my old blog I wrote one time about my oldest getting legitimately pissed off at me because I didn’t put a penis on the LEGO guy he requested I build him. He was inconsolable. You will get some of those stories here.
Being at this computer, my fingers dancing over the keys, wow. I forgot how this feels. So, it’s been a while, but I think I may be back for good this time. Or at least as long as I need this practice to serve me in this season of healing.
Until next time.